The Sides of Me

There are so many different sides to me. There is the side who wants to be a great mom and always be there for my child. There is the side that is searching and trying to find the perfect mate, before time runs out and I am doomed to be a "single" mom for life, there is the side that wants to be an intelligent member of society and work my way up in the advertising field. Then there are two other sides of. The side that is fun loving, ditzy blond, and always laughing and making jokes. Opposite of that is the depressed, lonely, angry, and low self esteem side of me. I act confident on the outside most of the time, but on the inside I am always doubting myself. I know I have extremely low self esteem, but I don't know how to build it up.

• The Mom: The mom in me just wants to do what is best for my daughter. Right now that is working nights and spending almost every day of the week with her. If I am not at school and not at work and she is awake I am with her. I want the world for my child, I want to protect her, and most importantly I want her to know just how much I love her, something I often didn't feel as a child.
• The Perfect Mate: I question whether or not there is a perfect mate for me. I am very defiant, I have always been oppositional, but only recently have I realized it. I find out what people want, and I push the limits. I am told what I can or can't have and I always push the line. It's like I test people to see how much shit they will take from me, and by the time I figure it out, it's too late and they are sick of me. I want so badly to find a man to love and cherish and care for, and in return feel loved by him. I have had many guys tell me that they love me, but to this day my daughters dad is the only one who had continually proved it, and I don't even know if that was love. I know that he would, and still will do anything for me, he cares, he is there when I need him even if it is something stupid, he listens to my crazy rants. But for some reason I don't feel he was my soul mate. Him and I had so so many problems in our relationship. I hope him and I will be lifelong friends, and that we can teach our daughter that even if her parents don't live together, they can still be civil, and love her just as much as two married parents. I have discovered that it is easy to make men fall in love with me, but to actually receive their love, and continue to receive it does not happen. The guy I have been somewhat seeing the last few weeks told me he loved me. For a few days it bugged me, finally last night I asked him. How do you know you love me? Well he gave me a super sweet and romantic answer, but still I kept pressing. I next asked him how he would define love. Again he gave me a pretty good answer, but I still wasn't sure. He defines love as always thinking about a person, wanting them all the time, wanting to be with them all the time, and your heart racing when you think of them, and he says that is how he feels about me. I also asked him how many other girls he has loved like this in his 31 years on earth, he responded with only 3, which surprised me, seeing as he has been in 4 different relationships that all lasted 2 years or more. Then I started to question how in the hell I was able to make him fall for me after 3 weeks. The more I thought about it, the more De'ja'vou I felt. He is not the first guy I have heard this from, in fact it has happened many times in the last 5 years with guys (I was told as a kid I would be a heart breaker, but I never thought I would be). Am I doing something wrong that I am making guys fall for me this fast? Am I just that perfect (no way in hell)? Am I miss representing myself)? I don't know what it is, but now I know how it feels to be on the other side. A man has stolen my heart and I don't know how. I have not heard from him in almost 2 weeks and it is killing me. He told me how great we were for each other, how he would be the best he could be for me, and I told him I would do the same. Now he is MIA, and I find myself thinking about him non stop, which frustrates me, because I know better then to fall for a guy, my close friend from this fall being a great example of what happens when you fall that hard and quick. I want to be happy, but I don't want to be Happy alone, I want someone to share my happiness with.
• Successful member of society: From age 15 through currently I wanted to go into advertising. More recently though I keep thinking how great it would be to be a stay at home mom, and cook different meals, take my kids to school, and take care of a loving husband. Those two paths are completely different, yet both of them sound so pleasing. The advertising industry I could easily thrive in, and I would be making myself an important member of society. On the other hand I could be like my roommate and devote my life to my kids and making sure that I concentrate on raising them to be great people. She has no problem devoting her life to making her kids's lives meaningful, for me though. I want my life to have meaning too. I guess the perfect situation in my mind would be to start my business that I have been dreaming about for awhile, and let it run itself, and work what I could on it, but at the same time have plenty of time for my children by hiring a general manager to keep track of the business. Then again you can't have your cake and eat it. I just wish I could see into the future

I have a problem with alcohol. There I said it. I am actually a little blitzed right now. I know I have a problem, I just don't say it because I am not at a stage in my life where I am ready to deal with it. I have so many other things going on, school, work, Alaina, dealing with friendships and roommates. It's hard to be so mature for my age, but at the same time wanting to regress to a teenage mentality. Alcohol for the time being rel ax's me and helps. I feel that as long as it is not effecting Alaina, work, or school it is ok. Currently it is not effecting Alaina or work but school is suffering a little. I just want to get done and graduate, but the finish line keeps moving further and further away from me.

After my daughter had a near death experience yesterday and I sat in the emergency room holding her for 3 hours, it was then I realized how precious life is. If she were to die, I don't want to be kicking myself in the ass because the night before I was bar hoping instead of home, or I was sleeping in, instead of playing with her. I want to live for her, and at the same time be a great influence on her. 

I know this entry is a little scatterbrained, I apologize I have not been taking my ADHD meds because they are too flipping expensive without insurance (don't get me started on the health care industry). Anyways, till next time,

Dreamer4life

Living and Learning

Lately I feel like a part of me I didn't know existed has awakened. Then again I go from being really bummer for a few days, to really happy and optimistic (possibly bi-polar, lol). I have been thinking things I have never thought before, it's like I am seeing things in a new light, a better viewpoint . . . I think :)

I have started to create a kind of bucket list in my head and on paper. I am going to post it on here when I feel it has everything I want on it (hopefully in the next week or so). Some things on it are:

1. visiting NY, Australia, Europe and Hawaii
2. Watching Alaina grow up to be a responsible respectful adult (along with sub points about how I will make sure she grows up to be one, like teaching her respect something that parents I know don't do with their children).
3. Making a positive influence on at least one persons life for every year I live (So ideally I would have positively influence at least 21 people by now)
4. Create and build a successful business from the ground up (Hot/Cold, an idea I will mention on my blog another time)

Ideally I would still love to find Mr. Right and get married and have more children as soon as possible, but what I am looking for even more now is the right guy. The perfect man for me, so far only one man fitting that description has entered my life, but I feel like I have screwed up chances of that being anything more then a friendship. There are a few guys I am casually dating right now, all older and in their early 30's (I am only 21), but all great guys who are at a stage in their lives that I am looking for in an ideal partner. They each have great qualities about them, but I just feel like when I meet Mr. Right I will know it, maybe I am wrong though.

I have also learned the kind of people I get along with (not just relationship wise but friend wise and family wise as well). I am a really really picky person and always find something wrong with everyone, and I myself have many flaws, therefore friendships for me don't last a long time, but when they do, they are strong. I can't stand people who are fake, in fact 99.9% of the people I can think of are fake at some time or another, but I think in many cases it is subconsciously. Just like sometimes I act intelligent, other times I act like a barbie ditz blond, and many times I am a great bole sh*++er. I want to be true to myself though, and it bugs me when I see people totally representing themselves one way, then not acting the way they portray they are. I see this a lot with Christians, especially at churches (Just an example I have nothing against religion at all). I also see this a lot with guys. With a girl they will act one way, then in front of their friends they will act another. This kind of stuff really bugs me, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I am starting to discover the people I really want to be in my life forever, and the people who are just floating through it.

Wow this post is getting long and serious, sorry. Like I said lately my brain is just going crazy with all of these thoughts and ideas running through them. Though I feel like I have made great improvements in my ways of thinking lately, I have fallen short with judgements and decision making.

The last few weeks I have been going out at night a lot, a WHOLE LOT. My logic to this is that Alaina is sleeping and safe with people watching her, so I am not using time I could spend with her, and it is time for me. I feel like I am always at school, work, with Alaina, cleaning or doing something. Going out a few times a week is a relaxer for me. At the same time it is starting to effect my school work, and how active I am with Alaina in the morning (I am turning into my roommate in this category, not a good thing). I need to learn to balance things. I go through phases where I am super mom for a few weeks, then awesome at school, then back to party girl. I need to learn to balance myself and quit spreading myself so thin.

Something that scares me is that lately I keep hearing my name whispered. Yes I am officially hearing voices, does this make me crazy? Not necessarily, but it does freak me out. It is always a mans voice, and it is my name "S____" I hear and turn and look everywhere, and nothing. My up and down manic moods also scares me. Bio-Polar and depression along with many other things run in my family, so I am terrified that I will turn into a nut, not literally lol. I am also failing out of school, and on academic probation as it is already. Within one given day I go from feeling like I have everything put together and everything is great and will work out, to feeling like my life is a maze and I keep taking the wrong turns and ending up at dead ends.

There are thousands and thousands of more words, thoughts, ideas and feelings running through me right now, but this post is long enough for now, plus I have 0 followers so I have no clue why I even update it, lol.

Time to take a percocet and go to sleep for 6 hours before Alaina's and my swimming lessons in the morning.

It's Been Awhile

Wow it has been awhile since I have updated this thing. Let’s see a summary of the last two months.

I dated this great and amazing guy, but he just was not my type, things didn't work out (I screwed up big time, but subconsciously was probably doing it on purpose). Over the last month I have dated a few different guys, but I am in no rush. When the timing is right, I will meet (or be with) the person I am supposed to be with forever. There is one guy I have been talking to for over 4 months now, he lives across the country, but has become my confident, and I have become his. We both ask each other for advice and share out dirty little secrets with each other. I know stuff about him that he has not even told his closest friends, and I have trusted him with thoughts and ideas of mine that I have never spoken out loud.

In the last few weeks I have been spending Sundays and Mondays with my daughter, every Monday my roomie and I have a theme day for the kids, last Mondays theme was cooking day and we made green "lilipad" pancakes out of pureed spinach. Next week we are doing a big brunch day, today I bought stuff at the grocery store for it, so that should be fun. Nana just turned 2 two months ago, but she has grown a ton. She is taller, and her vocabulary has multiplied by 10. I don't even recognize her anymore, it's like my little baby has grown up. Looking at her so grown up and independent (yes I know she is only 2), makes me want another child so much, but at the same time I have so much guilt built up from my last pregnancy. I think about it constantly, and it is something I will never forget.

16There are six things the LORD hates,seven that are detestable to him: 17haughty eyes,a lying tongue,hands that shed innocent blood, 18a heart that devises wicked schemes,feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19a false witness who pours out liesand a man who stirs up dissension among brothers

21st Birthday!!!

So Friday was my 21st Birthday. I started the day by going shopping with my female roommate at Kohl's, I bought a ton of new clothes with my Christmas money. Then I went and got my hair highlighted and cut (it was way over do, but I was waiting for Christmas money to do it with).

I went home and got ready for like an hour, then M picked me up. He is the guy I have been going out with and hanging out with all week, we met online. He took me out to dinner and we sat and conversed at the restaurant for almost 3 hours. I had a blast. He is like the perfect guy, really sweet and outgoing, and he has all of the qualities I look for in a guy.

After that he dropped me off and home. Me, the roomies and C went out for drinks, starting with the local bowling alley, then moving to a near by sports bar. I had so much fricking fun. My female roomy and another female friend who had joined us decided it would be funny to tell the DJ and the bouncers it was my birthday. The DJ called me up to the stage and had me take a blow job shot off some army guy in front of everyone, I was so totally embarrassed.

I also slightly chipped my top and bottom teeth on the shot glass. The night was so exhilarating though, it was a total right of passage. I danced with C, then my female roomy. We totally end up making out on the dance floor, lol.

I am in a really happy mood right now, not just because of my birthday, but because things are finally getting into place. I have Alaina half the time, I am working a lot, I am on break from school, and this totally awesome and amazing guy just appeared in my life. Not only all of those things, but I have the best friends that anyone could wish for. I am still stressed a lot, but things seem more manageable.

Always Learn From Your Mistakes

So Saturday night I get off work at 2:00AM, but I am wide awake so I like text 10 people to see who else is awake. Well the one person who responds is this guy I am really really attracted to. He was at a party and wanted to hang out with me but had no clue where he was. I got directions and went over there, it was a sweet a$$ house in a local suburb. There were 4 dudes there, including the one I had the hots for.
I brought 2 of them home, and then the one I had the hots for started flirting with me. He has a girlfriend somewhat, so I was trying to hold back, yet I really wanted to fool around with him. I remembered that there were 2 mini shot bottles in my car, so I chugged those to get rid of the voice telling me to just drop him off at home.
I ended up going inside with him; usually two other people live with him, but they were both out of town (just my luck). He offered me more liquor, and then we smoked together. I usually don't smoke, and when I do my judgement fails. This time it failed big, we were both crunk, and I kept telling him nothing more then a certain point, but things got way out of hand.
It was one of the most amazing experience of my life, so hot and passionate. Yet at the same time, I feel horrible. I don't do stuff like that with guys, not unless it's a serious relationship. I have a no sex rule and I totally broke it, so now I feel horrible. Yet the night was so amazing that I can't say I regret it. I am just so confused. Anyways now there are a couple of really great guys that I have gone out with, and I feel like if I were to start a relationship with one of them, I would be ashamed to tell them about that one night stand thing. I just don't know... I am in a really really bum mood right now.

T'is the Season to go Crazy

What happened to the holidays being a time for family and friends? I went to the store 2 weeks ago to buy a Gift Card for my friend and had to wait 30 MINUTES for a gift card! What is wrong with out society. It's not about how much you buy people, it's about the time and effort you put into their gifts. I would rather receive a sweet loving note from a friend then some expensive thing I don't need. I can't even go shopping right now without people pushing around and fighting in line, WTF. This is my annoyance of the day, or possibly even the month.

My 21st Birthday is in a little less then two weeks, I am so so excited, but at the same time worried. I had a slight problem with drinking a little over a month ago, and I am worried about starting up again. I am 5 weeks sober, but have decided to start drinking in moderation again on Christmas Eve. By moderation I mean no more then 2 days a week and no more then 3 drinks at a time, and I guess I will go from there.

I am a girl, and therefore do not understand the male sex, and could definitely use some advice. There are so so many guys I have been talking to on the phone and online, and most of them seem really nice and want to date, but right now I have been so busy with School, my daughter and work, that I have been putting off going out with each of them. I am not sure what I want, so maybe that is why I keep canceling dates and bailing on them. Last month I was dead set on getting married in the next two years and having another kid right before a get my degree, but now I am kind of enjoying playing the field and seeing what's on there. At the same time I am hoping some knight in shining armor will just show up, and be everything I need and want in a man. I am really really close with one guy in my life, and he has been there for me more then anyone in the last few months. When we first started hanging out I developed a huge crush on him after about 2 days, and I thought he would be the one that I married. Over the last three months I have shared more of my life with him then I have with anyone else, and have hung out with him whenever I have free time. I told him not to long ago how I felt about him, and he just kept emphasizing that we will be friends "indefinitely", which I thought meant move on. He told me that he really liked me too, but was not in a place to be more then a friend to me. After that I tried to move on, and I did somewhat. Like 3 weeks ago I told him I thought we were entering the friends forever zone, which means that chances of us being more then friends were becoming slim, he was disappointed, but did not seem to concerned. It feels like now though he wants to be more then friends, and I love him with all my heart, but I am afraid I will break his heart, and I am afraid that things wont work out and I will lose the best friendship that I have ever had. Plus I am still sort of feeling like we are in just friend land, but then when I am with him everything just feels so right. I just don't know what to do . . .

Poems~Random

Hair so red
Eyes so blue
he is a victim of love
just like you
he is gentle and sweet
and oh so kind,
this man is amazing
I wish he was mine

The light is fading
All hope is lost
Failure is near
It's going to happen
No matter what I do,
I can't stay a float
Oh where or where is a boat
Not even a life vest is in sight
There is no way to win this fight

Eyes filled with lead
Mind full of dread
The darkness cloaks
As my body evokes
How easy it is to say goodnight
Good bye my dear it will be alright

Fighting to stay awake
I say goodnight to you
Alas I know
Lonely and Dead I am

Light and airy
It makes no noise
Silence is bliss
Just one more kiss
Breathing in slowly
My pulse quickens
Waiting for it to come
My soul has risen

You look at me with eyes so blue,
My biggest fear is to disappoint you
such high expectations
I know I will fail
I'm sorry my dear
If you could only look in the mirror
You would see how hard it is to be me like me
A chameleon without a clue
I am so sorry to disappoint you

A warm soft touch
A passionate kiss
This is too much
It feels like bliss
My hopes start to rise
As you look in my eyes
I know that look
Confusion and despair
I have been there
Again I need to remind myself of that word
Friends, its so simple and sweet
Why can't he sweep my off my feet,
It is not a fairy tale, or some romance book,
It is my life, the life of a friend
Always alone, till the very end

Emptiness is so great
There is nothing better then losing weight
I am in control
for once in my life
I don't know if I can do it,
But damn I will try
I won't quit without a fight,
I would rather die