So last night I went to bed around 1:00 in the morning. I had not slept in over 3 days (I went 2 nights without sleep). I slept until almost 3:00 this afternoon and throughout the night and the morning I had this totally weird and bizarre dream, if you can call it that. It was so real and so vivid. Before I spill the details about the dream, I want to say. This is becoming a pattern, I have had many dreams in the last month about someone close to me being in a car accident. It is always someone different, but someone close to me. I keep telling people to drive safe because I am worried that these dreams are a sign of something to come. Ok now the Dream . . .
It started out taking place in the house I lived in from ages 11-16. I had a bedroom on the second floor, but the porch was right under my room, so if I had wanted to sneak out I could have. My age in this dream was a few years younger then I am now. I was in love, I had found my soul mate, the perfect man, romantic, sweet, everything I was looking for in a man. It was young love: strong passionate love. The dream started out with this man (with no face), sneaking into my room, and telling me that he wanted to be with me forever, and I told him the same. Even though the dream started here, I was able to see things that occurred before this instance, like I had just found out earlier in the day I was pregnant, also I could see that my dad hated this man, and told me on many occasions to stay away. Anyways, back to the scene in my room. This lover, he sneaks in and tells me that he wants to be with me forever, I tell him the same. I want to tell him I am pregnant, but don't know how. He tells me that because of my dad, we will never be able to be together, and he wants me to run away from him. He asks me this with tears in his eyes, he knows that the chance of us being able to run away together and not be found are rare, and he is crying because he knows he will lose me and does not want to. I start crying to and tell him that I would go to the end of the earth with him.
We sneak out of my window and start driving. We are talking about our lives, our pasts, what we want out of life. He looks at me and tells me that he knows he has to do this, that he does not want to but he has to. He says that I will be better off in the long run and he wants what is best for me, I don't know what "this" is, but I sense it is bad. I start to tell him no, that everything will work out, we will make it. But he looks at me with tears streaming down his face, and he says "No Stephanie, I want to believe it will but it won't, I have seen our future, I want what is best for you, and even though I know it is me, it is not", "I love you more then anything, and your happiness and what is best for you is more important than my life". At this point I want to tell him about the baby, his baby but I don't know how. He asks me to buckle my seat belt, knowing I shouldn't and that I should argue with him, I just silently obey. We speak a few more words and then he tells me again, I have to do this, I know you don't understand, but someday I hope you will. I love you and want what is best for you, please forgive me, please understand.
It is that point that he is driving fast and we are driving on top of a big mountain of dirt, slowly circling up it, yet fast. He then turns the wheel as fast as he can and the car starts flipping. I can't count how many flips we did, but then for 10 feet we are falling and the driver side window, where he is is closest to the ground. All of a sudden, smack we hit. I remember the last thing I was thinking in my head was that he was dead.
I wake up in the hospital, I see my mom standing next to me. I look at her in a panic and start screaming and asking where he is, my Romeo. I knew even as I was asking that he was gone, but I had to hear it. The nurse and my mom confirmed my fear. I then reach for my stomach, which for the first time in at least 8 weeks, was feeling empty. I whisper to them, "and the baby?". They both look at me somber, yet my mom not that somber. She tells me its gone. I begin to ball, and I cant stop. I am having a panic attack at this point. I look at my mom and I can see in her face that this is not upsetting her as much as it should, its as if she got what she wanted. I have no baby, and I have lost my one true love.
An amount of time goes by in the dream. I am constantly crying and thinking about my lost love and my lost baby. I can't stop crying, throughout the dream, I am at different places that remind me of him, and I cry and cry. I went from being the happiest person in the world, with the perfect man, about to create a perfect family, to having nothing.
Then I am back at school, and it is weird. I still can't stop crying and thinking about everything and how crazy everything is. Yet my teachers and professors act like there is something wrong with me for not getting over it. I cry on field trips, in the library, during class. The teachers and kids look at me and nod there heads, like I should be acting normal, like I should be over this massive loss. Then for my art class, I am supposed to create a presentation using baby clothes. I can't do it, I just ball and ball. I walk through this studio that looks more like a library, the other students presentations are on display. Baby clothes and outfits everywhere, I start bawling a howling. The teacher then asks where mine is, I look at her mystified, and try to explain to her I can't do this project, she just looks at me and nods her head disapprovingly, like I am a failure. I don't want to be there, I don't want to be alive. I am mad at him for leaving me, for doing this, I don't understand!
From then on the dream is a blur, just a lot of crying, questioning, and depression . . .
Even just typing this dream has brought me to tears, and I am crying hard, harder then I have cried in a long time. I feel like I have lost something, even though it was only a dream. When I took a shower earlier I analyzed the dream, and I thought I had figured out what it was about, and what different pieces of the dream meant. I am too upset to type an analysis now. I just feel so empty, and alone, and I can't stop crying. It was a stupid dream for gosh sakes... Wow this is crazy.
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