Always Learn From Your Mistakes

So Saturday night I get off work at 2:00AM, but I am wide awake so I like text 10 people to see who else is awake. Well the one person who responds is this guy I am really really attracted to. He was at a party and wanted to hang out with me but had no clue where he was. I got directions and went over there, it was a sweet a$$ house in a local suburb. There were 4 dudes there, including the one I had the hots for.
I brought 2 of them home, and then the one I had the hots for started flirting with me. He has a girlfriend somewhat, so I was trying to hold back, yet I really wanted to fool around with him. I remembered that there were 2 mini shot bottles in my car, so I chugged those to get rid of the voice telling me to just drop him off at home.
I ended up going inside with him; usually two other people live with him, but they were both out of town (just my luck). He offered me more liquor, and then we smoked together. I usually don't smoke, and when I do my judgement fails. This time it failed big, we were both crunk, and I kept telling him nothing more then a certain point, but things got way out of hand.
It was one of the most amazing experience of my life, so hot and passionate. Yet at the same time, I feel horrible. I don't do stuff like that with guys, not unless it's a serious relationship. I have a no sex rule and I totally broke it, so now I feel horrible. Yet the night was so amazing that I can't say I regret it. I am just so confused. Anyways now there are a couple of really great guys that I have gone out with, and I feel like if I were to start a relationship with one of them, I would be ashamed to tell them about that one night stand thing. I just don't know... I am in a really really bum mood right now.

T'is the Season to go Crazy

What happened to the holidays being a time for family and friends? I went to the store 2 weeks ago to buy a Gift Card for my friend and had to wait 30 MINUTES for a gift card! What is wrong with out society. It's not about how much you buy people, it's about the time and effort you put into their gifts. I would rather receive a sweet loving note from a friend then some expensive thing I don't need. I can't even go shopping right now without people pushing around and fighting in line, WTF. This is my annoyance of the day, or possibly even the month.

My 21st Birthday is in a little less then two weeks, I am so so excited, but at the same time worried. I had a slight problem with drinking a little over a month ago, and I am worried about starting up again. I am 5 weeks sober, but have decided to start drinking in moderation again on Christmas Eve. By moderation I mean no more then 2 days a week and no more then 3 drinks at a time, and I guess I will go from there.

I am a girl, and therefore do not understand the male sex, and could definitely use some advice. There are so so many guys I have been talking to on the phone and online, and most of them seem really nice and want to date, but right now I have been so busy with School, my daughter and work, that I have been putting off going out with each of them. I am not sure what I want, so maybe that is why I keep canceling dates and bailing on them. Last month I was dead set on getting married in the next two years and having another kid right before a get my degree, but now I am kind of enjoying playing the field and seeing what's on there. At the same time I am hoping some knight in shining armor will just show up, and be everything I need and want in a man. I am really really close with one guy in my life, and he has been there for me more then anyone in the last few months. When we first started hanging out I developed a huge crush on him after about 2 days, and I thought he would be the one that I married. Over the last three months I have shared more of my life with him then I have with anyone else, and have hung out with him whenever I have free time. I told him not to long ago how I felt about him, and he just kept emphasizing that we will be friends "indefinitely", which I thought meant move on. He told me that he really liked me too, but was not in a place to be more then a friend to me. After that I tried to move on, and I did somewhat. Like 3 weeks ago I told him I thought we were entering the friends forever zone, which means that chances of us being more then friends were becoming slim, he was disappointed, but did not seem to concerned. It feels like now though he wants to be more then friends, and I love him with all my heart, but I am afraid I will break his heart, and I am afraid that things wont work out and I will lose the best friendship that I have ever had. Plus I am still sort of feeling like we are in just friend land, but then when I am with him everything just feels so right. I just don't know what to do . . .

Poems~Random

Hair so red
Eyes so blue
he is a victim of love
just like you
he is gentle and sweet
and oh so kind,
this man is amazing
I wish he was mine

The light is fading
All hope is lost
Failure is near
It's going to happen
No matter what I do,
I can't stay a float
Oh where or where is a boat
Not even a life vest is in sight
There is no way to win this fight

Eyes filled with lead
Mind full of dread
The darkness cloaks
As my body evokes
How easy it is to say goodnight
Good bye my dear it will be alright

Fighting to stay awake
I say goodnight to you
Alas I know
Lonely and Dead I am

Light and airy
It makes no noise
Silence is bliss
Just one more kiss
Breathing in slowly
My pulse quickens
Waiting for it to come
My soul has risen

You look at me with eyes so blue,
My biggest fear is to disappoint you
such high expectations
I know I will fail
I'm sorry my dear
If you could only look in the mirror
You would see how hard it is to be me like me
A chameleon without a clue
I am so sorry to disappoint you

A warm soft touch
A passionate kiss
This is too much
It feels like bliss
My hopes start to rise
As you look in my eyes
I know that look
Confusion and despair
I have been there
Again I need to remind myself of that word
Friends, its so simple and sweet
Why can't he sweep my off my feet,
It is not a fairy tale, or some romance book,
It is my life, the life of a friend
Always alone, till the very end

Emptiness is so great
There is nothing better then losing weight
I am in control
for once in my life
I don't know if I can do it,
But damn I will try
I won't quit without a fight,
I would rather die

Living The Crazy Life

Where to start . . .

Well I am 20 years old with an almost 2 year old daughter. A few months ago I left her father (the man I had been dating since the age of 16). I realized he was a nobody going nowhere. Since then I have added another busy job to my already busy schedule and have moved in with my two friends and their kids. After first leaving I was really excited and enjoyed my new freedom. I had been stuck with an abusive pot smoking paranoid alcoholic for so long, that I forgot what it was like to be free or feel free. Then reality sank in, I was a lonely single mom struggling to make it, and not able to make ends meet. I became depressed, and felt hopeless. I started cutting again (Something I had not done since high school), I stated drinking, and doing whatever else I could to cope with the stress in my life. A few weeks went by and my friends intervened and helped me to get things somewhat straightened out. Today I am exactly 2 weeks sober. I am still juggling 2 jobs and a full time college schedule, and at the same time spending as much time as possible with my daughter. Things are crazy, but that is not always a bad that. Being busy is helping to keep me distracted from the loneliness I feel.

Till Next Time,

Dreamer4life