Living and Learning

Lately I feel like a part of me I didn't know existed has awakened. Then again I go from being really bummer for a few days, to really happy and optimistic (possibly bi-polar, lol). I have been thinking things I have never thought before, it's like I am seeing things in a new light, a better viewpoint . . . I think :)

I have started to create a kind of bucket list in my head and on paper. I am going to post it on here when I feel it has everything I want on it (hopefully in the next week or so). Some things on it are:

1. visiting NY, Australia, Europe and Hawaii
2. Watching Alaina grow up to be a responsible respectful adult (along with sub points about how I will make sure she grows up to be one, like teaching her respect something that parents I know don't do with their children).
3. Making a positive influence on at least one persons life for every year I live (So ideally I would have positively influence at least 21 people by now)
4. Create and build a successful business from the ground up (Hot/Cold, an idea I will mention on my blog another time)

Ideally I would still love to find Mr. Right and get married and have more children as soon as possible, but what I am looking for even more now is the right guy. The perfect man for me, so far only one man fitting that description has entered my life, but I feel like I have screwed up chances of that being anything more then a friendship. There are a few guys I am casually dating right now, all older and in their early 30's (I am only 21), but all great guys who are at a stage in their lives that I am looking for in an ideal partner. They each have great qualities about them, but I just feel like when I meet Mr. Right I will know it, maybe I am wrong though.

I have also learned the kind of people I get along with (not just relationship wise but friend wise and family wise as well). I am a really really picky person and always find something wrong with everyone, and I myself have many flaws, therefore friendships for me don't last a long time, but when they do, they are strong. I can't stand people who are fake, in fact 99.9% of the people I can think of are fake at some time or another, but I think in many cases it is subconsciously. Just like sometimes I act intelligent, other times I act like a barbie ditz blond, and many times I am a great bole sh*++er. I want to be true to myself though, and it bugs me when I see people totally representing themselves one way, then not acting the way they portray they are. I see this a lot with Christians, especially at churches (Just an example I have nothing against religion at all). I also see this a lot with guys. With a girl they will act one way, then in front of their friends they will act another. This kind of stuff really bugs me, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I am starting to discover the people I really want to be in my life forever, and the people who are just floating through it.

Wow this post is getting long and serious, sorry. Like I said lately my brain is just going crazy with all of these thoughts and ideas running through them. Though I feel like I have made great improvements in my ways of thinking lately, I have fallen short with judgements and decision making.

The last few weeks I have been going out at night a lot, a WHOLE LOT. My logic to this is that Alaina is sleeping and safe with people watching her, so I am not using time I could spend with her, and it is time for me. I feel like I am always at school, work, with Alaina, cleaning or doing something. Going out a few times a week is a relaxer for me. At the same time it is starting to effect my school work, and how active I am with Alaina in the morning (I am turning into my roommate in this category, not a good thing). I need to learn to balance things. I go through phases where I am super mom for a few weeks, then awesome at school, then back to party girl. I need to learn to balance myself and quit spreading myself so thin.

Something that scares me is that lately I keep hearing my name whispered. Yes I am officially hearing voices, does this make me crazy? Not necessarily, but it does freak me out. It is always a mans voice, and it is my name "S____" I hear and turn and look everywhere, and nothing. My up and down manic moods also scares me. Bio-Polar and depression along with many other things run in my family, so I am terrified that I will turn into a nut, not literally lol. I am also failing out of school, and on academic probation as it is already. Within one given day I go from feeling like I have everything put together and everything is great and will work out, to feeling like my life is a maze and I keep taking the wrong turns and ending up at dead ends.

There are thousands and thousands of more words, thoughts, ideas and feelings running through me right now, but this post is long enough for now, plus I have 0 followers so I have no clue why I even update it, lol.

Time to take a percocet and go to sleep for 6 hours before Alaina's and my swimming lessons in the morning.