The Sides of Me

There are so many different sides to me. There is the side who wants to be a great mom and always be there for my child. There is the side that is searching and trying to find the perfect mate, before time runs out and I am doomed to be a "single" mom for life, there is the side that wants to be an intelligent member of society and work my way up in the advertising field. Then there are two other sides of. The side that is fun loving, ditzy blond, and always laughing and making jokes. Opposite of that is the depressed, lonely, angry, and low self esteem side of me. I act confident on the outside most of the time, but on the inside I am always doubting myself. I know I have extremely low self esteem, but I don't know how to build it up.

• The Mom: The mom in me just wants to do what is best for my daughter. Right now that is working nights and spending almost every day of the week with her. If I am not at school and not at work and she is awake I am with her. I want the world for my child, I want to protect her, and most importantly I want her to know just how much I love her, something I often didn't feel as a child.
• The Perfect Mate: I question whether or not there is a perfect mate for me. I am very defiant, I have always been oppositional, but only recently have I realized it. I find out what people want, and I push the limits. I am told what I can or can't have and I always push the line. It's like I test people to see how much shit they will take from me, and by the time I figure it out, it's too late and they are sick of me. I want so badly to find a man to love and cherish and care for, and in return feel loved by him. I have had many guys tell me that they love me, but to this day my daughters dad is the only one who had continually proved it, and I don't even know if that was love. I know that he would, and still will do anything for me, he cares, he is there when I need him even if it is something stupid, he listens to my crazy rants. But for some reason I don't feel he was my soul mate. Him and I had so so many problems in our relationship. I hope him and I will be lifelong friends, and that we can teach our daughter that even if her parents don't live together, they can still be civil, and love her just as much as two married parents. I have discovered that it is easy to make men fall in love with me, but to actually receive their love, and continue to receive it does not happen. The guy I have been somewhat seeing the last few weeks told me he loved me. For a few days it bugged me, finally last night I asked him. How do you know you love me? Well he gave me a super sweet and romantic answer, but still I kept pressing. I next asked him how he would define love. Again he gave me a pretty good answer, but I still wasn't sure. He defines love as always thinking about a person, wanting them all the time, wanting to be with them all the time, and your heart racing when you think of them, and he says that is how he feels about me. I also asked him how many other girls he has loved like this in his 31 years on earth, he responded with only 3, which surprised me, seeing as he has been in 4 different relationships that all lasted 2 years or more. Then I started to question how in the hell I was able to make him fall for me after 3 weeks. The more I thought about it, the more De'ja'vou I felt. He is not the first guy I have heard this from, in fact it has happened many times in the last 5 years with guys (I was told as a kid I would be a heart breaker, but I never thought I would be). Am I doing something wrong that I am making guys fall for me this fast? Am I just that perfect (no way in hell)? Am I miss representing myself)? I don't know what it is, but now I know how it feels to be on the other side. A man has stolen my heart and I don't know how. I have not heard from him in almost 2 weeks and it is killing me. He told me how great we were for each other, how he would be the best he could be for me, and I told him I would do the same. Now he is MIA, and I find myself thinking about him non stop, which frustrates me, because I know better then to fall for a guy, my close friend from this fall being a great example of what happens when you fall that hard and quick. I want to be happy, but I don't want to be Happy alone, I want someone to share my happiness with.
• Successful member of society: From age 15 through currently I wanted to go into advertising. More recently though I keep thinking how great it would be to be a stay at home mom, and cook different meals, take my kids to school, and take care of a loving husband. Those two paths are completely different, yet both of them sound so pleasing. The advertising industry I could easily thrive in, and I would be making myself an important member of society. On the other hand I could be like my roommate and devote my life to my kids and making sure that I concentrate on raising them to be great people. She has no problem devoting her life to making her kids's lives meaningful, for me though. I want my life to have meaning too. I guess the perfect situation in my mind would be to start my business that I have been dreaming about for awhile, and let it run itself, and work what I could on it, but at the same time have plenty of time for my children by hiring a general manager to keep track of the business. Then again you can't have your cake and eat it. I just wish I could see into the future

I have a problem with alcohol. There I said it. I am actually a little blitzed right now. I know I have a problem, I just don't say it because I am not at a stage in my life where I am ready to deal with it. I have so many other things going on, school, work, Alaina, dealing with friendships and roommates. It's hard to be so mature for my age, but at the same time wanting to regress to a teenage mentality. Alcohol for the time being rel ax's me and helps. I feel that as long as it is not effecting Alaina, work, or school it is ok. Currently it is not effecting Alaina or work but school is suffering a little. I just want to get done and graduate, but the finish line keeps moving further and further away from me.

After my daughter had a near death experience yesterday and I sat in the emergency room holding her for 3 hours, it was then I realized how precious life is. If she were to die, I don't want to be kicking myself in the ass because the night before I was bar hoping instead of home, or I was sleeping in, instead of playing with her. I want to live for her, and at the same time be a great influence on her. 

I know this entry is a little scatterbrained, I apologize I have not been taking my ADHD meds because they are too flipping expensive without insurance (don't get me started on the health care industry). Anyways, till next time,

Dreamer4life