Since I have been out of inpatient (Dec 30th), I have been really good at controlling my cravings to drink. When I have a craving I simply call a close friend or find something to do to distract myself. Tonight I am going to blog about it.
I am definitely craving a drink right now. Not because I want to taste the harsh tequila running down my throat, nor because I want to cure an insane headache, or insomnia (well maybe the insomnia) . . . but mainly because I am an alcoholic and I am obsessed with the feeling of being intoxicated.
I love the way my body slowly loosens up after a few shots hit my blood stream. I love the numbness that sets into my brain once I wash down a few glasses of tequila with a little bit of sunrise in them. I love the senselessness that comes with being drunk, the numbness that comes with it. The loss of sensation, the loss of feelings, forgetting my past, my problems and my worry's.
I have a problem, I know this. This is why I chose not to drink. I don't have just one or two drinks today because I have something to do six months from now, and those one or two drinks today would lead to 5 or 6 tomorrow and a bottle next week, and a bottle everyday here after that.
AA has truly helped me with my addiction, as has my sponsor and my friends and family.
Tonight instead of drinking like my body aches to and my mind is screaming at me to do I am going to listen to some music and go to bed, because 6 hours from now I have to be up and getting ready for outpatient :)
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1 comment:
Hmmmmmm, I can't say I know how it feels to be in that type of situation but I do know how it feels to be in one where there things that are hard to control. It feels helpless at times and you are never completely sure of how you are going to resist them. Sometimes it feels like you are in the middle of a huge void and all that is out there is blackness. But suddenly a light appears, faint at first but it gets stronger. Just keep working towards it and things become more clear and less foggy. Things start to fall into place and you realize what didn't kill you only has made your stronger.
I can't say it's going to be easy but I think you are strong enough to go through it and not falter. It takes a much stronger person to realize they have a problem and to do something about it. It takes a drastic action or event on your part to make it right. I've been there a few times, slipped and fallen down but got back up and worked towards what I wanted to go again from where I was. We all have things we struggle with and some of us are stronger than others to keep moving towards our eventual goal. As I said, you'll make it. If you need someone to talk to on those days/nights when you need someone to talk to feel free to get a hold of me.
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