One Depressing Night

So I thought I was going out tonight, and my daughters father offered to watch her, so I was like heck yeah, that would be nice to sleep in a little tomorrow. I made deviled eggs for the guy I am seeing and my roommates because they have been requesting them for so long. I changed outfits like 10 times, did my hair... La-de-da. The guy I am seeing, K, had softball practice, which he told me would be done around dusk. I was ecstatic to have a date night before 10:00, I never go out unless it is after work, because if I am not working at night I have my daughter. Well, around 9:00 I text K and I ask how can practice still be going it has been dark out for awhile. Well he tells me they are at the bar having a team meeting. I was cool with that, a little bummed, but I was like, so what we have the whole night ahead of us. Well another hour and a half goes by, and I am starting to get annoyed, so I text like 10 other people to see if anyone wants to go out, since I am dressed up and want to get out of the house. No one can do anything, so I text K and am like well whatever you seem like you are still busy so good night. He acts as if he did nothing wrong, and was like wow you are going to sleep already, well goodnight. Then he asks if I am mad, I told him no. Later I texted him saying I was more disappointed then mad. I explained how I was under the impression we were going out earlier, and that I got dressed up and excited and now I felt bailed on. Then he goes and tells me that he is sorry but he needs me to be supportive of him and the team, WTF!

I ended up spending the night watching TV on the couch, by myself, and drinking. I can't believe I let a stupid man effect my feelings like this. Like I am really upset, and want to cry. At the same time I know it is stupid because it is just one night, and he is just a guy. Still I have been dating him a month now, and I don't want to go back to being single, but I think this is my sign. 

I always find something wrong with guys, I am too picky. Oh well it's just going to be me and A (my daughter) forever, I just have to remember to keep my life with her separate from the dating scene, which thank god I have been doing since the last guy I was with who met her in January. I don't let guys meet her now, because they all end up F*cking something up, and it's not fair to her to let guys drift in and out of her life. 

The sad thing is I have been hanging out with her dad the last week, and sometimes I wish I would have just put up with his crap, because then I would atleast have someone stable to be with every night, and to talk to all the time. It is really hard going from a 4 year relationship with one person who you can rely on and bitch too, to being by yourself with random men drifting in and out of your life. It is nice having someone to talk to about things, but they always end up disappearing.

Boy's are stupid, men are more stupid-Throw rocks at them!

The Sides of Me

There are so many different sides to me. There is the side who wants to be a great mom and always be there for my child. There is the side that is searching and trying to find the perfect mate, before time runs out and I am doomed to be a "single" mom for life, there is the side that wants to be an intelligent member of society and work my way up in the advertising field. Then there are two other sides of. The side that is fun loving, ditzy blond, and always laughing and making jokes. Opposite of that is the depressed, lonely, angry, and low self esteem side of me. I act confident on the outside most of the time, but on the inside I am always doubting myself. I know I have extremely low self esteem, but I don't know how to build it up.

• The Mom: The mom in me just wants to do what is best for my daughter. Right now that is working nights and spending almost every day of the week with her. If I am not at school and not at work and she is awake I am with her. I want the world for my child, I want to protect her, and most importantly I want her to know just how much I love her, something I often didn't feel as a child.
• The Perfect Mate: I question whether or not there is a perfect mate for me. I am very defiant, I have always been oppositional, but only recently have I realized it. I find out what people want, and I push the limits. I am told what I can or can't have and I always push the line. It's like I test people to see how much shit they will take from me, and by the time I figure it out, it's too late and they are sick of me. I want so badly to find a man to love and cherish and care for, and in return feel loved by him. I have had many guys tell me that they love me, but to this day my daughters dad is the only one who had continually proved it, and I don't even know if that was love. I know that he would, and still will do anything for me, he cares, he is there when I need him even if it is something stupid, he listens to my crazy rants. But for some reason I don't feel he was my soul mate. Him and I had so so many problems in our relationship. I hope him and I will be lifelong friends, and that we can teach our daughter that even if her parents don't live together, they can still be civil, and love her just as much as two married parents. I have discovered that it is easy to make men fall in love with me, but to actually receive their love, and continue to receive it does not happen. The guy I have been somewhat seeing the last few weeks told me he loved me. For a few days it bugged me, finally last night I asked him. How do you know you love me? Well he gave me a super sweet and romantic answer, but still I kept pressing. I next asked him how he would define love. Again he gave me a pretty good answer, but I still wasn't sure. He defines love as always thinking about a person, wanting them all the time, wanting to be with them all the time, and your heart racing when you think of them, and he says that is how he feels about me. I also asked him how many other girls he has loved like this in his 31 years on earth, he responded with only 3, which surprised me, seeing as he has been in 4 different relationships that all lasted 2 years or more. Then I started to question how in the hell I was able to make him fall for me after 3 weeks. The more I thought about it, the more De'ja'vou I felt. He is not the first guy I have heard this from, in fact it has happened many times in the last 5 years with guys (I was told as a kid I would be a heart breaker, but I never thought I would be). Am I doing something wrong that I am making guys fall for me this fast? Am I just that perfect (no way in hell)? Am I miss representing myself)? I don't know what it is, but now I know how it feels to be on the other side. A man has stolen my heart and I don't know how. I have not heard from him in almost 2 weeks and it is killing me. He told me how great we were for each other, how he would be the best he could be for me, and I told him I would do the same. Now he is MIA, and I find myself thinking about him non stop, which frustrates me, because I know better then to fall for a guy, my close friend from this fall being a great example of what happens when you fall that hard and quick. I want to be happy, but I don't want to be Happy alone, I want someone to share my happiness with.
• Successful member of society: From age 15 through currently I wanted to go into advertising. More recently though I keep thinking how great it would be to be a stay at home mom, and cook different meals, take my kids to school, and take care of a loving husband. Those two paths are completely different, yet both of them sound so pleasing. The advertising industry I could easily thrive in, and I would be making myself an important member of society. On the other hand I could be like my roommate and devote my life to my kids and making sure that I concentrate on raising them to be great people. She has no problem devoting her life to making her kids's lives meaningful, for me though. I want my life to have meaning too. I guess the perfect situation in my mind would be to start my business that I have been dreaming about for awhile, and let it run itself, and work what I could on it, but at the same time have plenty of time for my children by hiring a general manager to keep track of the business. Then again you can't have your cake and eat it. I just wish I could see into the future

I have a problem with alcohol. There I said it. I am actually a little blitzed right now. I know I have a problem, I just don't say it because I am not at a stage in my life where I am ready to deal with it. I have so many other things going on, school, work, Alaina, dealing with friendships and roommates. It's hard to be so mature for my age, but at the same time wanting to regress to a teenage mentality. Alcohol for the time being rel ax's me and helps. I feel that as long as it is not effecting Alaina, work, or school it is ok. Currently it is not effecting Alaina or work but school is suffering a little. I just want to get done and graduate, but the finish line keeps moving further and further away from me.

After my daughter had a near death experience yesterday and I sat in the emergency room holding her for 3 hours, it was then I realized how precious life is. If she were to die, I don't want to be kicking myself in the ass because the night before I was bar hoping instead of home, or I was sleeping in, instead of playing with her. I want to live for her, and at the same time be a great influence on her. 

I know this entry is a little scatterbrained, I apologize I have not been taking my ADHD meds because they are too flipping expensive without insurance (don't get me started on the health care industry). Anyways, till next time,

Dreamer4life

Living and Learning

Lately I feel like a part of me I didn't know existed has awakened. Then again I go from being really bummer for a few days, to really happy and optimistic (possibly bi-polar, lol). I have been thinking things I have never thought before, it's like I am seeing things in a new light, a better viewpoint . . . I think :)

I have started to create a kind of bucket list in my head and on paper. I am going to post it on here when I feel it has everything I want on it (hopefully in the next week or so). Some things on it are:

1. visiting NY, Australia, Europe and Hawaii
2. Watching Alaina grow up to be a responsible respectful adult (along with sub points about how I will make sure she grows up to be one, like teaching her respect something that parents I know don't do with their children).
3. Making a positive influence on at least one persons life for every year I live (So ideally I would have positively influence at least 21 people by now)
4. Create and build a successful business from the ground up (Hot/Cold, an idea I will mention on my blog another time)

Ideally I would still love to find Mr. Right and get married and have more children as soon as possible, but what I am looking for even more now is the right guy. The perfect man for me, so far only one man fitting that description has entered my life, but I feel like I have screwed up chances of that being anything more then a friendship. There are a few guys I am casually dating right now, all older and in their early 30's (I am only 21), but all great guys who are at a stage in their lives that I am looking for in an ideal partner. They each have great qualities about them, but I just feel like when I meet Mr. Right I will know it, maybe I am wrong though.

I have also learned the kind of people I get along with (not just relationship wise but friend wise and family wise as well). I am a really really picky person and always find something wrong with everyone, and I myself have many flaws, therefore friendships for me don't last a long time, but when they do, they are strong. I can't stand people who are fake, in fact 99.9% of the people I can think of are fake at some time or another, but I think in many cases it is subconsciously. Just like sometimes I act intelligent, other times I act like a barbie ditz blond, and many times I am a great bole sh*++er. I want to be true to myself though, and it bugs me when I see people totally representing themselves one way, then not acting the way they portray they are. I see this a lot with Christians, especially at churches (Just an example I have nothing against religion at all). I also see this a lot with guys. With a girl they will act one way, then in front of their friends they will act another. This kind of stuff really bugs me, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I am starting to discover the people I really want to be in my life forever, and the people who are just floating through it.

Wow this post is getting long and serious, sorry. Like I said lately my brain is just going crazy with all of these thoughts and ideas running through them. Though I feel like I have made great improvements in my ways of thinking lately, I have fallen short with judgements and decision making.

The last few weeks I have been going out at night a lot, a WHOLE LOT. My logic to this is that Alaina is sleeping and safe with people watching her, so I am not using time I could spend with her, and it is time for me. I feel like I am always at school, work, with Alaina, cleaning or doing something. Going out a few times a week is a relaxer for me. At the same time it is starting to effect my school work, and how active I am with Alaina in the morning (I am turning into my roommate in this category, not a good thing). I need to learn to balance things. I go through phases where I am super mom for a few weeks, then awesome at school, then back to party girl. I need to learn to balance myself and quit spreading myself so thin.

Something that scares me is that lately I keep hearing my name whispered. Yes I am officially hearing voices, does this make me crazy? Not necessarily, but it does freak me out. It is always a mans voice, and it is my name "S____" I hear and turn and look everywhere, and nothing. My up and down manic moods also scares me. Bio-Polar and depression along with many other things run in my family, so I am terrified that I will turn into a nut, not literally lol. I am also failing out of school, and on academic probation as it is already. Within one given day I go from feeling like I have everything put together and everything is great and will work out, to feeling like my life is a maze and I keep taking the wrong turns and ending up at dead ends.

There are thousands and thousands of more words, thoughts, ideas and feelings running through me right now, but this post is long enough for now, plus I have 0 followers so I have no clue why I even update it, lol.

Time to take a percocet and go to sleep for 6 hours before Alaina's and my swimming lessons in the morning.