Insomnia

For some reason I could not sleep last night. It could be for a number of reasons. I am in rehab, and my bed and room are unfamiliar to me. Or maybe it is because I have not drank in 7 days and drinking puts me to sleep. Perhaps its the fact that I am starting to realize that I have lost a few close friends because of my drinking. Maybe it was me missing Alaina and having her presence near me at night. BUT for whatever reason it was I could not sleep.

So hear I am in a treatment center for me . . .(cough, cough) . . . Ok I will say it, my alcoholism. recently I have been trying to figure out what got me to this point in my life. I know it wasn't my first drink at age 17. I also know that it wasn't the occasional social drink I had when I was with my daughters father. So how did I go from drinking once in a blue moon to daily. From having one to two drinks in a sitting to 10+ drinks in a night.

In the last three months I have lost my job, been suspended from school, lost close friends, totaled my car, been to jail (luckily only 3 days), and maxed out all my credit cards, which means I will lose my apartment too. The only thing I have left is my little girl, and I am going to fight this problem to the end so I can keep her. She means the world to me, but I don't think others around me realize that. She knows it, I tell her every day. Not only do I tell her I love her, but I show her by singing songs, reading her books, playing silly hide and seek games, and having conversations (even if they argumentative) with her.

I don't know what the point of this post was. I guess I just wanted to write considering my lack of sleep. There it is folks, and update on my crazy life that has somehow spiralled out of control.

This Is Me

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am
afraid to take off and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature
with me, but don't be fooled.
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I am secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without, that confidence
is my name and coolness my game;
that the waters are calm and I am
in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me, please.


My surface may seem smooth,
but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever - concealing
'Neath this lies no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion,
in fear, and aloneness. But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know.
I panic at the thought of my weakness
and fear of being exposed. That is why I
frantically create a mask to hide behind;
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me
pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only salvation. And I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
if it is followed by love. It is the
only thing that will assure
me of what I can't assure myself,
that I am worth something.


But, I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I am afraid to.
I am afraid your glance will not be followed by
acceptance and love. I am afraid you will think
less of me, that you will laugh at me,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate game,
with a facade of assurance without,
and a trembling child within. And so begins the
parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.


I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that is really nothing,
and nothing of what is everything,
of what is crying within me;
So when I am going through my routine do
not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I am not saying.
What I would like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but I can't say.


I dislike hiding, Honestly!
I dislike the superficial game I am playing,
the phony game. I would really like to
be genuine and spontaneous, and me,
but you have got to help me. You have got to
hold out your hand, even when that
is the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes that
blank stare of breathing death.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you try to understand and because
you really care, my heart begins to
grow wings, very small wings,
very feeble wings, but wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy,
and your power of understanding,
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important
you are to me, how you can be the
creator of the person that is me if you choose to.
Please choose to. You alone can break
down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my
shadowworld of panic and uncertainty;

From my lonely person.
Do not pass me by.
Please... do not pass me by.


It will not be easy for you;
a long conviction of worthlessness builds
strong walls. The nearer you approach me,
the blinder I strike back. I fight against the
very thing I cry out for. But I am told that
love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with
firm hands, but with gentle hands for a
child is very sensitive.


Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and
I am every woman you meet.

This is who I am, help me.

For Better or Worse: the Newest Developments and Changes

Wow it has been only a month since I have updated my blog, yet it seems so much longer. So many things have changed or are changing in Alaina's and my life. Hmmmmm where to start . . .

Alaina- She is still in full blown terrible two mode, there is no stopping her. I tell her to come to me so I can fix her hair she runs, if I am trying to cook something and ask her to stay away, well she is right by my side. I am very close to using the reverse psychology method on her like my roommate does on her son :) I am trying, key word trying, to potty train Alaina, but she has no interest, she hates pull ups and will only sit on the potty so she can flush it and put toilet paper in it. If it were not for her extensive vocabulary I would think she is like every other two year old, which she is, and she is not. Alaina is a very intelligent toddler (and no I am not just saying that because I am her mom, a few doctors have stated this as well). The way she plays on her own, or even with others is more in the three to four year old range. I love just sitting and watching her, you can learn so much about your child just by observing. She still loves baking and cooking with me, so I try to let her help whenever possible. Yep so that is the update for Alaina, still as cute and adorable as can be, and still making trouble whenever the opportunity arises.

Boys/Men- Well K and I broke up. Actually it was on our three month anniversary, he chose softball over me...AGAIN, after we had already made plans to go out to dinner to celebrate. To make a long story short, the day before we hung out, so he told his teammates not to schedule a for fun practice, the next day, Monday (Our 3 month); he had a game that I was aware of so we planned on dinner around 8:30 or so because the game was at 7. I sit at home and wait and wait (similar to the blog post a few down), and eventually around 10 he calls and is ready to go. I am ticked at that point and tell him just forget about it, I am not hungry. I have him come and pick up his dog and go to the bar with a friend instead who was in town from South Carolina. Keith and I end up arguing on the phone, I break up with him. A week later we talk and think about making it work, but nothing comes of that, which is fine.

My take on this relationship and why it did not work out-There are many reasons. He was too busy with Softball (3-5 days a week) and work, and I was too busy with my schedule. Also, he believed that feelings only came from the heart, not the brain. I am a very analytical person, so I am all about the brain, that drove him nuts. He could not stand that I questioned everything, and thought about things so much, I need a man who appreciates that, not that gets annoyed by it. Also, he said he was ready to settle down and get married, but his actions did not speak that. I could keep listing reasons why it did not, but I think my point has been made. I have now added to my perfect man list "must be willing to make time for girlfriend" :)

School/Work- Bad BAD, BAD topic. Work I just received a three day suspension from because I am always coming in 5-10 minutes late (yes that is an awful trait I have, never being on time). I love having 3 days off, but I am extremely extremely close to being pointed out of the company (fired, this place uses points as their punishment system). I can't afford to lose my job, I need it with the economy being the way it is, so I really really need to shape up. As far as school goes, well that is an off limits topic too, that is how bad it it.

Life- I am planning on moving out in the next two months. A close friend of mine from college and I are getting a newer big mobile home together, the only thing in the way right now is she lives in Rochester, and I need to find her a job up here in the cities. My roommates are driving me nuts, very very nuts. My female roommate is trying to weem herself off a strong anti-depressant which is making her more bitchy and moody then a teenage girl. She keeps getting on me for different things and making me feel like a 12 year old (she is totally mothering me more then my own mom did). Also, it is hard living with 2 other people and 3 kids, I think Alaina and I just need our own space. As of recently I am planning on getting a tattoo on my right wrist, a small one that says Live Laugh, with a four leaf clover separating the two words (to represent the Irish blood that runs through me). I am doing this because I am fed up with always looking for love, and the perfect man to sweep me off my feet. I have decided that I need to concentrate on living my life and being happy (laughing). If I do this, then hopefully eventually true love will come and I will find my Romeo.

That's it for now, I need to go spend some quality time with my beautiful girl before I go to work.

Bizzare Dream

So last night I went to bed around 1:00 in the morning. I had not slept in over 3 days (I went 2 nights without sleep). I slept until almost 3:00 this afternoon and throughout the night and the morning I had this totally weird and bizarre dream, if you can call it that. It was so real and so vivid. Before I spill the details about the dream, I want to say. This is becoming a pattern, I have had many dreams in the last month about someone close to me being in a car accident. It is always someone different, but someone close to me. I keep telling people to drive safe because I am worried that these dreams are a sign of something to come. Ok now the Dream . . .

It started out taking place in the house I lived in from ages 11-16. I had a bedroom on the second floor, but the porch was right under my room, so if I had wanted to sneak out I could have. My age in this dream was a few years younger then I am now. I was in love, I had found my soul mate, the perfect man, romantic, sweet, everything I was looking for in a man. It was young love: strong passionate love. The dream started out with this man (with no face), sneaking into my room, and telling me that he wanted to be with me forever, and I told him the same. Even though the dream started here, I was able to see things that occurred before this instance, like I had just found out earlier in the day I was pregnant, also I could see that my dad hated this man, and told me on many occasions to stay away. Anyways, back to the scene in my room. This lover, he sneaks in and tells me that he wants to be with me forever, I tell him the same. I want to tell him I am pregnant, but don't know how. He tells me that because of my dad, we will never be able to be together, and he wants me to run away from him. He asks me this with tears in his eyes, he knows that the chance of us being able to run away together and not be found are rare, and he is crying because he knows he will lose me and does not want to. I start crying to and tell him that I would go to the end of the earth with him.

We sneak out of my window and start driving. We are talking about our lives, our pasts, what we want out of life. He looks at me and tells me that he knows he has to do this, that he does not want to but he has to. He says that I will be better off in the long run and he wants what is best for me, I don't know what "this" is, but I sense it is bad. I start to tell him no, that everything will work out, we will make it. But he looks at me with tears streaming down his face, and he says "No Stephanie, I want to believe it will but it won't, I have seen our future, I want what is best for you, and even though I know it is me, it is not", "I love you more then anything, and your happiness and what is best for you is more important than my life". At this point I want to tell him about the baby, his baby but I don't know how. He asks me to buckle my seat belt, knowing I shouldn't and that I should argue with him, I just silently obey. We speak a few more words and then he tells me again, I have to do this, I know you don't understand, but someday I hope you will. I love you and want what is best for you, please forgive me, please understand.

It is that point that he is driving fast and we are driving on top of a big mountain of dirt, slowly circling up it, yet fast. He then turns the wheel as fast as he can and the car starts flipping. I can't count how many flips we did, but then for 10 feet we are falling and the driver side window, where he is is closest to the ground. All of a sudden, smack we hit. I remember the last thing I was thinking in my head was that he was dead.

I wake up in the hospital, I see my mom standing next to me. I look at her in a panic and start screaming and asking where he is, my Romeo. I knew even as I was asking that he was gone, but I had to hear it. The nurse and my mom confirmed my fear. I then reach for my stomach, which for the first time in at least 8 weeks, was feeling empty. I whisper to them, "and the baby?". They both look at me somber, yet my mom not that somber. She tells me its gone. I begin to ball, and I cant stop. I am having a panic attack at this point. I look at my mom and I can see in her face that this is not upsetting her as much as it should, its as if she got what she wanted. I have no baby, and I have lost my one true love.

An amount of time goes by in the dream. I am constantly crying and thinking about my lost love and my lost baby. I can't stop crying, throughout the dream, I am at different places that remind me of him, and I cry and cry. I went from being the happiest person in the world, with the perfect man, about to create a perfect family, to having nothing.

Then I am back at school, and it is weird. I still can't stop crying and thinking about everything and how crazy everything is. Yet my teachers and professors act like there is something wrong with me for not getting over it. I cry on field trips, in the library, during class. The teachers and kids look at me and nod there heads, like I should be acting normal, like I should be over this massive loss. Then for my art class, I am supposed to create a presentation using baby clothes. I can't do it, I just ball and ball. I walk through this studio that looks more like a library, the other students presentations are on display. Baby clothes and outfits everywhere, I start bawling a howling. The teacher then asks where mine is, I look at her mystified, and try to explain to her I can't do this project, she just looks at me and nods her head disapprovingly, like I am a failure. I don't want to be there, I don't want to be alive. I am mad at him for leaving me, for doing this, I don't understand!

From then on the dream is a blur, just a lot of crying, questioning, and depression . . .

Even just typing this dream has brought me to tears, and I am crying hard, harder then I have cried in a long time. I feel like I have lost something, even though it was only a dream. When I took a shower earlier I analyzed the dream, and I thought I had figured out what it was about, and what different pieces of the dream meant. I am too upset to type an analysis now. I just feel so empty, and alone, and I can't stop crying. It was a stupid dream for gosh sakes... Wow this is crazy.

Insomnia

It has been awhile since I have posted on here, and due to insomnia here I am posting :)

Things are going great and hectic as usual. I am still seeing K, it has been a little over 2 months now. We tend to get into small arguments and have had some communication issues thus far, but I still want to see where it goes. According to many people it takes 4-6 months to completely get to know someone, I want to give him those 4-6 months, and once I really know him decide if it is as right as it feels when we are together, if that makes sense.

Alaina is getting so big, and is EXTREMELY independent (not at all like her mom, lol). She is taking after her dad and I both. We both are extremely independent, stubborn and have bad tempers. Our DNA should not have been combined, because the personality of this toddler is like no other. Thought often she is difficult and hard to handle, there are many times during the day where she will do something sweet that will make my heart totally melt. Below are a few examples:

1) Last week I said to her "hey dude where is ____", she responded to me, "I am not dude I am Lana!!!", in a totally dead serious toddler voice, it was cute as hell!

2) Randomly she will come up to me and give me a hug, and I will say "I love you Alaina", then she will look at me and say "I love you Mommy" and give me these cute little kisses

3) I will ask her everytime when we get in the car if she wants Alaina's music or Mommy's, lately she has been requesting Mommy's music. I will turn on my hip hop and she bops her head along and sings la-la-da-da at the top of her lungs, it's adorable!

So even though there are many times during the day when I want to just scream I am so frustrated with her tantrums and Independence, there are also these awesome sweet times, when I think how lucky I am to have such a smart, cute, and sweet 2 year old daughter. Right now we have been working on introducing Spanish into her vocabulary (her dad, daycare and I), so randomly throughout the day she will be like "seice, ocho, nueve" and I start laughing and say "Alaina you forgot seite", then she looks at me dead serious and will start from a totally different number.

Like I said things are going good. I still hate working 40 hours a week, but hey I have got to do what I have got to do to keep my daughter safe and healthy. I am tempted to take a break from school, but I know if I do, that the chances of me returning are way lower.

I am still wondering if I made the right choice a couple of months ago, but I am dealing with that on my own. Whatever happens in life happens, what is meant to be will be, I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I am missing the close friends and confidants I had in the fall. My friend from Miami is the only confident I have left who has time fore me. Actually, I have not had time for him the last month and I feel awful, but we made an IM date for tomorrow to catch up, so hopefully that goes well. I love having someone to talk to about anything and everything in my life without having to be embarrassed, ashamed, or worried about it getting back to anyone. Having such a close friend who lives half way across the country rocks!

Ok, enough of this random post. Goodnight to all but me :)

My Bucket List

I just found this cleaning my room today. I wrote it a little over a month ago, but am finally publishing it now. I am sure over the next few years of my life I will add items to it, but this is it for right now. My bucket list, everything I want to do, see and achieve by the time I die. Also for the last 3 weeks I have been working on a "The Perfect Man" list, right now I am on version 4.0, that I will publish in the next week or so. 

 

The Bucket List

 

1. Watch Alaina grow up and turn into a responsible respectful adult
• Teach her respect
• Let her make her own mistakes, as long as she learns from them
• Communicate with her
• Instill values in her like honesty, respect, individualism, kindness and love
• Be her parent not her friend
2.  Visit Hawaii, New York, Europe and Australia
   
3.  Create and build a successful business from the ground up (Hot N’ Cold)
   
4. Marry the perfect man (I have only met one so far in my life)
   
5. Write a memoir, even if it is a short one
   
6. Go skydiving and/or bungee jumping
   
7. Make a positive influence on at least one person for every year I have lived (I am 21 now, so 21 people)
   
8. Create a loving, giving, generous family (Ideally 3+ kids)
   
9. Find something that I believe in with a strong passion
   
10. Take time to paint, take pictures and take in everything that life and the earth has to offer
    
11. Find a course or charity and commit at least 150 hours to it
    
12. Meet a minimum of three “celebrities” during my life span
    
13. Make it to the top of Maslow’s pyramid of needs
    
14. Save someone’s life
    
15. Have a near death experience
    
16. Ride on a motorcycle and a crotch rocket
    
17. Go scuba diving
    

One Depressing Night

So I thought I was going out tonight, and my daughters father offered to watch her, so I was like heck yeah, that would be nice to sleep in a little tomorrow. I made deviled eggs for the guy I am seeing and my roommates because they have been requesting them for so long. I changed outfits like 10 times, did my hair... La-de-da. The guy I am seeing, K, had softball practice, which he told me would be done around dusk. I was ecstatic to have a date night before 10:00, I never go out unless it is after work, because if I am not working at night I have my daughter. Well, around 9:00 I text K and I ask how can practice still be going it has been dark out for awhile. Well he tells me they are at the bar having a team meeting. I was cool with that, a little bummed, but I was like, so what we have the whole night ahead of us. Well another hour and a half goes by, and I am starting to get annoyed, so I text like 10 other people to see if anyone wants to go out, since I am dressed up and want to get out of the house. No one can do anything, so I text K and am like well whatever you seem like you are still busy so good night. He acts as if he did nothing wrong, and was like wow you are going to sleep already, well goodnight. Then he asks if I am mad, I told him no. Later I texted him saying I was more disappointed then mad. I explained how I was under the impression we were going out earlier, and that I got dressed up and excited and now I felt bailed on. Then he goes and tells me that he is sorry but he needs me to be supportive of him and the team, WTF!

I ended up spending the night watching TV on the couch, by myself, and drinking. I can't believe I let a stupid man effect my feelings like this. Like I am really upset, and want to cry. At the same time I know it is stupid because it is just one night, and he is just a guy. Still I have been dating him a month now, and I don't want to go back to being single, but I think this is my sign. 

I always find something wrong with guys, I am too picky. Oh well it's just going to be me and A (my daughter) forever, I just have to remember to keep my life with her separate from the dating scene, which thank god I have been doing since the last guy I was with who met her in January. I don't let guys meet her now, because they all end up F*cking something up, and it's not fair to her to let guys drift in and out of her life. 

The sad thing is I have been hanging out with her dad the last week, and sometimes I wish I would have just put up with his crap, because then I would atleast have someone stable to be with every night, and to talk to all the time. It is really hard going from a 4 year relationship with one person who you can rely on and bitch too, to being by yourself with random men drifting in and out of your life. It is nice having someone to talk to about things, but they always end up disappearing.

Boy's are stupid, men are more stupid-Throw rocks at them!

The Sides of Me

There are so many different sides to me. There is the side who wants to be a great mom and always be there for my child. There is the side that is searching and trying to find the perfect mate, before time runs out and I am doomed to be a "single" mom for life, there is the side that wants to be an intelligent member of society and work my way up in the advertising field. Then there are two other sides of. The side that is fun loving, ditzy blond, and always laughing and making jokes. Opposite of that is the depressed, lonely, angry, and low self esteem side of me. I act confident on the outside most of the time, but on the inside I am always doubting myself. I know I have extremely low self esteem, but I don't know how to build it up.

• The Mom: The mom in me just wants to do what is best for my daughter. Right now that is working nights and spending almost every day of the week with her. If I am not at school and not at work and she is awake I am with her. I want the world for my child, I want to protect her, and most importantly I want her to know just how much I love her, something I often didn't feel as a child.
• The Perfect Mate: I question whether or not there is a perfect mate for me. I am very defiant, I have always been oppositional, but only recently have I realized it. I find out what people want, and I push the limits. I am told what I can or can't have and I always push the line. It's like I test people to see how much shit they will take from me, and by the time I figure it out, it's too late and they are sick of me. I want so badly to find a man to love and cherish and care for, and in return feel loved by him. I have had many guys tell me that they love me, but to this day my daughters dad is the only one who had continually proved it, and I don't even know if that was love. I know that he would, and still will do anything for me, he cares, he is there when I need him even if it is something stupid, he listens to my crazy rants. But for some reason I don't feel he was my soul mate. Him and I had so so many problems in our relationship. I hope him and I will be lifelong friends, and that we can teach our daughter that even if her parents don't live together, they can still be civil, and love her just as much as two married parents. I have discovered that it is easy to make men fall in love with me, but to actually receive their love, and continue to receive it does not happen. The guy I have been somewhat seeing the last few weeks told me he loved me. For a few days it bugged me, finally last night I asked him. How do you know you love me? Well he gave me a super sweet and romantic answer, but still I kept pressing. I next asked him how he would define love. Again he gave me a pretty good answer, but I still wasn't sure. He defines love as always thinking about a person, wanting them all the time, wanting to be with them all the time, and your heart racing when you think of them, and he says that is how he feels about me. I also asked him how many other girls he has loved like this in his 31 years on earth, he responded with only 3, which surprised me, seeing as he has been in 4 different relationships that all lasted 2 years or more. Then I started to question how in the hell I was able to make him fall for me after 3 weeks. The more I thought about it, the more De'ja'vou I felt. He is not the first guy I have heard this from, in fact it has happened many times in the last 5 years with guys (I was told as a kid I would be a heart breaker, but I never thought I would be). Am I doing something wrong that I am making guys fall for me this fast? Am I just that perfect (no way in hell)? Am I miss representing myself)? I don't know what it is, but now I know how it feels to be on the other side. A man has stolen my heart and I don't know how. I have not heard from him in almost 2 weeks and it is killing me. He told me how great we were for each other, how he would be the best he could be for me, and I told him I would do the same. Now he is MIA, and I find myself thinking about him non stop, which frustrates me, because I know better then to fall for a guy, my close friend from this fall being a great example of what happens when you fall that hard and quick. I want to be happy, but I don't want to be Happy alone, I want someone to share my happiness with.
• Successful member of society: From age 15 through currently I wanted to go into advertising. More recently though I keep thinking how great it would be to be a stay at home mom, and cook different meals, take my kids to school, and take care of a loving husband. Those two paths are completely different, yet both of them sound so pleasing. The advertising industry I could easily thrive in, and I would be making myself an important member of society. On the other hand I could be like my roommate and devote my life to my kids and making sure that I concentrate on raising them to be great people. She has no problem devoting her life to making her kids's lives meaningful, for me though. I want my life to have meaning too. I guess the perfect situation in my mind would be to start my business that I have been dreaming about for awhile, and let it run itself, and work what I could on it, but at the same time have plenty of time for my children by hiring a general manager to keep track of the business. Then again you can't have your cake and eat it. I just wish I could see into the future

I have a problem with alcohol. There I said it. I am actually a little blitzed right now. I know I have a problem, I just don't say it because I am not at a stage in my life where I am ready to deal with it. I have so many other things going on, school, work, Alaina, dealing with friendships and roommates. It's hard to be so mature for my age, but at the same time wanting to regress to a teenage mentality. Alcohol for the time being rel ax's me and helps. I feel that as long as it is not effecting Alaina, work, or school it is ok. Currently it is not effecting Alaina or work but school is suffering a little. I just want to get done and graduate, but the finish line keeps moving further and further away from me.

After my daughter had a near death experience yesterday and I sat in the emergency room holding her for 3 hours, it was then I realized how precious life is. If she were to die, I don't want to be kicking myself in the ass because the night before I was bar hoping instead of home, or I was sleeping in, instead of playing with her. I want to live for her, and at the same time be a great influence on her. 

I know this entry is a little scatterbrained, I apologize I have not been taking my ADHD meds because they are too flipping expensive without insurance (don't get me started on the health care industry). Anyways, till next time,

Dreamer4life

Living and Learning

Lately I feel like a part of me I didn't know existed has awakened. Then again I go from being really bummer for a few days, to really happy and optimistic (possibly bi-polar, lol). I have been thinking things I have never thought before, it's like I am seeing things in a new light, a better viewpoint . . . I think :)

I have started to create a kind of bucket list in my head and on paper. I am going to post it on here when I feel it has everything I want on it (hopefully in the next week or so). Some things on it are:

1. visiting NY, Australia, Europe and Hawaii
2. Watching Alaina grow up to be a responsible respectful adult (along with sub points about how I will make sure she grows up to be one, like teaching her respect something that parents I know don't do with their children).
3. Making a positive influence on at least one persons life for every year I live (So ideally I would have positively influence at least 21 people by now)
4. Create and build a successful business from the ground up (Hot/Cold, an idea I will mention on my blog another time)

Ideally I would still love to find Mr. Right and get married and have more children as soon as possible, but what I am looking for even more now is the right guy. The perfect man for me, so far only one man fitting that description has entered my life, but I feel like I have screwed up chances of that being anything more then a friendship. There are a few guys I am casually dating right now, all older and in their early 30's (I am only 21), but all great guys who are at a stage in their lives that I am looking for in an ideal partner. They each have great qualities about them, but I just feel like when I meet Mr. Right I will know it, maybe I am wrong though.

I have also learned the kind of people I get along with (not just relationship wise but friend wise and family wise as well). I am a really really picky person and always find something wrong with everyone, and I myself have many flaws, therefore friendships for me don't last a long time, but when they do, they are strong. I can't stand people who are fake, in fact 99.9% of the people I can think of are fake at some time or another, but I think in many cases it is subconsciously. Just like sometimes I act intelligent, other times I act like a barbie ditz blond, and many times I am a great bole sh*++er. I want to be true to myself though, and it bugs me when I see people totally representing themselves one way, then not acting the way they portray they are. I see this a lot with Christians, especially at churches (Just an example I have nothing against religion at all). I also see this a lot with guys. With a girl they will act one way, then in front of their friends they will act another. This kind of stuff really bugs me, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I am starting to discover the people I really want to be in my life forever, and the people who are just floating through it.

Wow this post is getting long and serious, sorry. Like I said lately my brain is just going crazy with all of these thoughts and ideas running through them. Though I feel like I have made great improvements in my ways of thinking lately, I have fallen short with judgements and decision making.

The last few weeks I have been going out at night a lot, a WHOLE LOT. My logic to this is that Alaina is sleeping and safe with people watching her, so I am not using time I could spend with her, and it is time for me. I feel like I am always at school, work, with Alaina, cleaning or doing something. Going out a few times a week is a relaxer for me. At the same time it is starting to effect my school work, and how active I am with Alaina in the morning (I am turning into my roommate in this category, not a good thing). I need to learn to balance things. I go through phases where I am super mom for a few weeks, then awesome at school, then back to party girl. I need to learn to balance myself and quit spreading myself so thin.

Something that scares me is that lately I keep hearing my name whispered. Yes I am officially hearing voices, does this make me crazy? Not necessarily, but it does freak me out. It is always a mans voice, and it is my name "S____" I hear and turn and look everywhere, and nothing. My up and down manic moods also scares me. Bio-Polar and depression along with many other things run in my family, so I am terrified that I will turn into a nut, not literally lol. I am also failing out of school, and on academic probation as it is already. Within one given day I go from feeling like I have everything put together and everything is great and will work out, to feeling like my life is a maze and I keep taking the wrong turns and ending up at dead ends.

There are thousands and thousands of more words, thoughts, ideas and feelings running through me right now, but this post is long enough for now, plus I have 0 followers so I have no clue why I even update it, lol.

Time to take a percocet and go to sleep for 6 hours before Alaina's and my swimming lessons in the morning.

It's Been Awhile

Wow it has been awhile since I have updated this thing. Let’s see a summary of the last two months.

I dated this great and amazing guy, but he just was not my type, things didn't work out (I screwed up big time, but subconsciously was probably doing it on purpose). Over the last month I have dated a few different guys, but I am in no rush. When the timing is right, I will meet (or be with) the person I am supposed to be with forever. There is one guy I have been talking to for over 4 months now, he lives across the country, but has become my confident, and I have become his. We both ask each other for advice and share out dirty little secrets with each other. I know stuff about him that he has not even told his closest friends, and I have trusted him with thoughts and ideas of mine that I have never spoken out loud.

In the last few weeks I have been spending Sundays and Mondays with my daughter, every Monday my roomie and I have a theme day for the kids, last Mondays theme was cooking day and we made green "lilipad" pancakes out of pureed spinach. Next week we are doing a big brunch day, today I bought stuff at the grocery store for it, so that should be fun. Nana just turned 2 two months ago, but she has grown a ton. She is taller, and her vocabulary has multiplied by 10. I don't even recognize her anymore, it's like my little baby has grown up. Looking at her so grown up and independent (yes I know she is only 2), makes me want another child so much, but at the same time I have so much guilt built up from my last pregnancy. I think about it constantly, and it is something I will never forget.

16There are six things the LORD hates,seven that are detestable to him: 17haughty eyes,a lying tongue,hands that shed innocent blood, 18a heart that devises wicked schemes,feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19a false witness who pours out liesand a man who stirs up dissension among brothers

21st Birthday!!!

So Friday was my 21st Birthday. I started the day by going shopping with my female roommate at Kohl's, I bought a ton of new clothes with my Christmas money. Then I went and got my hair highlighted and cut (it was way over do, but I was waiting for Christmas money to do it with).

I went home and got ready for like an hour, then M picked me up. He is the guy I have been going out with and hanging out with all week, we met online. He took me out to dinner and we sat and conversed at the restaurant for almost 3 hours. I had a blast. He is like the perfect guy, really sweet and outgoing, and he has all of the qualities I look for in a guy.

After that he dropped me off and home. Me, the roomies and C went out for drinks, starting with the local bowling alley, then moving to a near by sports bar. I had so much fricking fun. My female roomy and another female friend who had joined us decided it would be funny to tell the DJ and the bouncers it was my birthday. The DJ called me up to the stage and had me take a blow job shot off some army guy in front of everyone, I was so totally embarrassed.

I also slightly chipped my top and bottom teeth on the shot glass. The night was so exhilarating though, it was a total right of passage. I danced with C, then my female roomy. We totally end up making out on the dance floor, lol.

I am in a really happy mood right now, not just because of my birthday, but because things are finally getting into place. I have Alaina half the time, I am working a lot, I am on break from school, and this totally awesome and amazing guy just appeared in my life. Not only all of those things, but I have the best friends that anyone could wish for. I am still stressed a lot, but things seem more manageable.